lol my birthday cake?

Tired

It seems like each day gets a little bit harder, my medication's not working, I feel so alone because my friends aren't really talking to me, and I just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore, ever since I have been since, I feel a little piece of me slipping farther and farther away. I'm like Alice falling into a never ending hole with no wonderland at the bottom. With each minute the light from the top is getting smaller and smaller and it's getting darker and darker. I don't think my friends know how bad I am. I try to fake it, because they already think I'm depressing and horrible.... but if they only knew everything.... I think they would maybe understand better..... but... I don't think they would.... I don't think they'd care... I think they would be scared.... because I'm not who I used to be.

I Gave Up Facebook.

My life is kinda crappy right now. Since I'm sick and not in school anymore my friends have just seemed to forget about me. It sucks, so looking at all the places they go together, and making faces in pictures, when I should be there.... it just hurts so bad. Now that I'm better than what I was, they just don't bother to ask me to hang out because they did when I was really sick... and now.... they just don't care I guess? My therapist said to give up facebook for a month, and see if I want to go back. At this moment I think it's the best thing for me. Too much heartbreak, and sorrow on facebook. At least on tumblr I laugh all the time.... I've met some pretty amazing people and I love all the cool people here. This is gonna be really hard for me. sigh. 

Locks of Love

So there has been a few people in my life diagnosed with cancer in my life. I've seen the struggles, and fight, and the bravery. I needed to help in some way and so I decided I'm cutting my hair for a wig for a person with cancer. I've always wanted to do it, and I wanted it to be as long as I could get it and so today we took off to Great Clips (Who gives free haircuts if you donate, check with your local salon) and I got it chopped off. It's REALLY Short now, but it feels good to help someone in need. I also think it's wonderful that some little girl or boy will be walking around with my hair on their head, and empowering them. It's great, here are a few pictures before and after like. 

My therapist says that I need to write down the night terrors I have.... so I'm going to write them down here.

It was raining, it was pounding the roof and hood of the car. I was looking out the window trying to see where we were. I could feel it getting chilly... I looked over at the driver. He looked back and smiled at me. I couldn't help but smile back. We pulled to a stop at a corner. As he pulled out a huge flash of light. I could feel the air get thick, almost with a static charge that clings everything to your body. I looked over to see a horrified look on his face and I let out a scream as a truck smashes into the car. I could hear the metal crushing metal, the pop and shatter of glass breaking. I could feel him lunge over to wrap his arms around me but h never made it as the car over turned, I was screaming but I couldn't hear anything. I felt like we were spinning around and around the car continues to flip side to side, end to start, it just keeps going. I feel a horrifying pain in my leg and I can hear myself screaming now... it's so loud, but it hurts so bad. I have my eyes closed because I know I'm going to die. I can feel my fingers slowly going numb. This is it... this is it.... The car stops..... it creaks and moans but it has finally stopped flipping. I felt blood in my hair, I could feel the ooze tricking down my forehead stinging my eyes. I couldn't feel my leg anymore, and I was sure that my arm was broken. I look over to see him... to see if he was alright..... There was red everywhere...his eyes were looking at me... pleading for me to do something. His neck bent at and awkward angle and his mouth hung open in a frozen scream. I began to scream for help. He was crying... a tear ran down his bloodstreaked face. I kept screaming for somone to help. Find us. Someone. Somone call 911, what's taking so long. I watched him blink once look over at me. He tried to talk, but blood came out of his mouth and he began to choke. He lifted his hand and I reached over and grabbed it. I squeezed it tight. He squeazed back. I closed my eyes and I felt his cold hand go limp. He was dead.

I can't take this anymore.

I don't want to live anymore.... I can't handle all this. I can't handle being sick. I can't handle hating myself. I can't handle everyone hurting me. I can't handle all the shit I been put through. I can't do it anymore... I can't.

I'm so sick.

I'm sick. And not in the way many people think. I'm not sick where in a few days it will go away. I'm not sick that it will stay with me forever. I'm stuck in the middle, it's something that I will have to deal with and could go away. I hate this feeling. I hate when my stomach hurts so bad all I want to do is lay in bed scrunched up and cry. I hate that I can't eat like I used to and feel so nauseated and sick that I feel like I'm going to puke. I can't handle the feeling I get when I haven't ate anything and yet my stomach feels so full. I hate that I'm losing so much weight, making my skin sag, and my cheek bones poke through. I hate that my friends think that I'm going to get better in a few days and what they don't understand is that I'm in the doctors every other day, for being physically sick, and for having severe depression. I can't handle this horrible feeling anymore, I wish that I could just go to sleep and wake up and realize that all this was a crazy horrible nightmare. I wish that they could fix me, but nothing's working, nothing's ever going to work because maybe I'm making myself sick. I worry and make myself sick. I hate everything that's going on and now it's come to the point where I'm just done and I don't want to do ANYTHING anymore. I want to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and just cry until I'm dead. But I can't do that and it really just sucks that I'm going to suffer through all this.