I can't take this anymore.

I don't want to live anymore.... I can't handle all this. I can't handle being sick. I can't handle hating myself. I can't handle everyone hurting me. I can't handle all the shit I been put through. I can't do it anymore... I can't.

I'm so sick.

I'm sick. And not in the way many people think. I'm not sick where in a few days it will go away. I'm not sick that it will stay with me forever. I'm stuck in the middle, it's something that I will have to deal with and could go away. I hate this feeling. I hate when my stomach hurts so bad all I want to do is lay in bed scrunched up and cry. I hate that I can't eat like I used to and feel so nauseated and sick that I feel like I'm going to puke. I can't handle the feeling I get when I haven't ate anything and yet my stomach feels so full. I hate that I'm losing so much weight, making my skin sag, and my cheek bones poke through. I hate that my friends think that I'm going to get better in a few days and what they don't understand is that I'm in the doctors every other day, for being physically sick, and for having severe depression. I can't handle this horrible feeling anymore, I wish that I could just go to sleep and wake up and realize that all this was a crazy horrible nightmare. I wish that they could fix me, but nothing's working, nothing's ever going to work because maybe I'm making myself sick. I worry and make myself sick. I hate everything that's going on and now it's come to the point where I'm just done and I don't want to do ANYTHING anymore. I want to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and just cry until I'm dead. But I can't do that and it really just sucks that I'm going to suffer through all this.

My grandmother has Alzheimers

My grandmother and grandfather we're always a big part of my life. I went to their house every weekend with my mother and brother. I remember so much happiness in that house, laughing with my family, laughing with my grandma and grandpa and just having so much fun. My grandfather died on my birthday in 2003. He was my best friend and I miss him and think about him everyday. My grandmother began I would say giving up after he died, and slowly we noticed she was slipping away and forgetting things. My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzhemiers a few years ago. It was easy in the beginning she didn't forget that much, she was still herself. Now... she doesn't remember much of anything. I get so sad walking into that house seeing how she is, not remembering much of anything, none of the happy memories that we use to have. It's so dark in that house, it just lingers with sadness now. You walk in and you can't help but get sad. No one wants to see someone they love go through this. She still remembers me but barely. Some days she thinks that I'm my mother when she was a young girl, and sometimes she knows exactly who I am and can remember everything we've talked about, and then sometimes she doesn't even know who I am and ask's my mother who the little girl is (which I'm 17 but little to her). I get scared that she's going to die, and I'm going to lose her, but then I think, I really have already lost her. She's not the person she used to be. She still thinks my grandpa and her mom are alive, and it breaks my heart when she thinks they've lefter her and ran away.... It kills me to have to watch her sob after my mom explains that they are gone and have been gone for some time and watch her whisper no one ever told me.... and she had been there for both. I'm scared that this is going to happen to my mother, I'm so terrified that she won't remember me when I walk into her house with my daughter. I'm so terrified of losing everyone.