3. How I see myself

This is going to be the hardest post to write. I've grown up with my mom telling me, you are smart, you are brave, you are strong, and you are beautiful. Right now.... I don't feel like any of those. I'm emotionally screwed up from so much shit that's happened in my past, people have left me, abandoned me more like it, treated me like I'm not importnant, and made fun of me to the point where I had wanted to end everything. I'm always the friend that tells all my girlfriends how gorgeous they are, that they are beautiful no matter what else anyone says, and I honestly feel that way. Now you are probably thinking if she says that to all her friends why can't she feel the same way about herself? I just can't.... I've been told my whole life ever since I was little from people that I'm too loud, I'm too outgoing, I'm too happy, too sad, too fat, too smart, too dumb, too short, too poor, too ugly and for once I feel like I'm all of those things and I can't stand it! I CAN'T STAND IT! I've had boys stare at me, and made me smile only to see them laughing and pointing at me. I can't shop at the mall because none of the stores carry my size (not to mention the money see #1) I've never had a random guy walk up to me and ask me for my number or tell me I'm beautiful, like all of my friends have. All of my friends has had two boyfriends is the minimum, there are a few whom have had more than that, and I've only had one and it only lasted a month and during that time I was told what I had always felt like. I can't fit into the beautiful dresses for prom, and I can't wear the cute forever 21 dresses or outfits, I have to cut inches off the botoms of my jeans because I'm too short. I walk into the bathroom and I stare at the girl looking at me and I see my goregous blue eyes (the only thing I'm ever complimented on) my rat brown, wavy, frizzy hair. I stare at my chubby cheeks no bone structure what so ever, and my gap in the bottom of my teeth that cuts my lip all the time... not to mention the lips by themselves, full and pink but.. they're always peeling, or chapped from me biting on them when I'm upset, nervous, or just flat out bored. I have fat chubby, sort fingers, on a puffy hand. My skins so white you can see the blue blood veins that run through my body. I have a huge gut that if wearing hip huggers hangs over my belt and makes my face red from embarrassment. How did I let myself get this way? How did I go from being an all star swimmer to, a girl who huffs and puffs getting up the stairs or can't run to the street corner without feeling like I'm going to die? How did I let myself look like this? Why didn't someone stop me from turning into this huge whale I am now? When did I start feeling like this? When did I start looking at everyone around me and feeling like I'm not good enough? When did I notice that I wasn't like the girls on TV or the girls that walk the same halls as me at school? At school some of the girls talk about how a few girls are fat, and they all laugh and then I look at the skinny girl they're talking about and I wonder if she's fat... what do they call me? No one really knows about this. I'm always this confident strong person who doesn't care what people think, who doesn't mind making an ass of herself and act stupid in front of people, but that's all show... that's what it is... I do all that stupid shit because no one would notice me if I wasn't loud and outgoing. I'd be that girl that sits in the library in the corner reading or eating my lunch in the bathroom or an empty janitors closet. I'm that dumbass girl like has crushes on the most handsome guy in the world, regardless that he's in college, and is way too out of my league and is so talented. It's just a crush, nothing would ever come from it, and I feel like I'm not good enough for a guy like that. He dated the most prettiest girl in school, most of the boys I like, would never settle for someone like me... I wish I could take a sledge hammer to my god damn mirror because it just shows me everything I don't want to see. It shows the streched skin, the scars, the freackles, the tears and sadness in my eyes, the broken lip, and to large nose. It shows me everything that people are too afraid to tell me to my face except the ones that make fun of me for it. I want to close my eyes and picture me beautiful... and I can't.

2. Boy Problems

This post has a huge to do with the next post. I've had horrible problems with boys. One was with my past boyfriend. Now.. when I first met him... he was a kind of quiet kid, and he was tall and cute and pretty geeky outcast, and he pretty much wanted nothing to do with me, but I seen the kid that had the great smile, and he was nice to everyone so I naturally liked him. I was stupid and crazy and I worshiped the ground he walked on and for a while it was good. We got closer and closer, I'd meet him at his locker, we'd talk on facebook, you know friends stuff. I kept asking him about what we were and he was obviously not ready for a good relationship. I really should of listened to him and then I never would have gotten into all this mess that pretty much screwed me up. Any way, So we started... idk what to even call it because he was my boyfriend but then he wasn't... lol. It's so complicated to explain about all this when I've held all of it back for sooo long. Mind all of you that this happened over a year ago and I still feel ripped apart about all of it. But anyway, we started "dating" and things got off on a rocky start, yet another sign of the eminent doom. We were rocky and there were some days where I was completely loving being his girlfriend and then there were days where I was like who are you and what the fuck did you do to my boyfriend? Things got boring, same old same old every week... Monday fine... Tuesday fine... Wednesday okay... Thursday pissed off...Friday on the verge of murdering this kid... saturday feeling guilty for saying things that were bluntly true but shouldn't of said anything... Sunday loving and missing him.... and it just started all over again. Things were okay until the second semester when he began hanging out with a bunch of guys that I had never liked because they're the mean guys, the ones that have always made fun of me, and the ones that always are getting in trouble. I dicussed all this with him and he said that I was wrong and they were really nice guys once you got to know them. Well, I never told him that these guys make fun of me everyday of my life, but I was like whatever and dropped it. Well soon, we were fighting more than anything because his "best"friend was making snide remarks when I was standing there with my boyfriend about my weight. I would get pissed off and told the kid to fuck off and my boyfriend would get pissed because I yelled at his friends. Finally I just stopped fighting about all of it and just kept quiet whenever they said something to me. One day he was sitting with all of them in the cafeteria and their table was right next to mine. They were talking about me, making mooing noises (obviously calling me a cow) some whispers about me breaking the floors or sitting on the chair and bending the metal legs. I sat there and my friends were steaming.. I could feel my face start to heat up.. and I felt the tears that stung my eyes but I didn't say anything.. I kept quiet figured my boyfriend was more important to me than the stupid little remarks that came from his friends. I got up to take my tray up to the washer and coming back I stopped and was talking to a friend at the next table. Well my boyfriend's "best" friend stood up and got the attention of all his friends and shouted at me, "Hey Fat ass Faith, sit down you're flab is blocking the sun!" I was already hurt as it was, and I'm a girl every girl has feelings about their body that they don't like. I could handle it anymore. I looked at my boyfriend who was sitting there laughing with them and I couldn't hold back my tears.. I just couldn't do it anymore... and so I was so mad that I stared at him, and I didn't burst into tears, or sob, but I did cry two tears and he seen them and he stopped laughing because for once I showed him how bad it hurt. We had just had a conversation about him not standing up for me the night before and I was waiting to see if he was going to hold up to his word.... and he didn't... he just sat there his eyes never meeting mine and his friends roaring with laughter. I walked past him and purposely bumped into him and ran to the bathroom because I couldn't hold it in anymore... the bell rang and I ran to my next class so I wouldn't run into anyone thinking I could hold it together but I couldn't and things just broke down, the teacher sent me to the office and I had to talk to the principal about this "best"friend of my boyfriends and he got in trouble but the problems didn't even end there. Come to find out a few weeks later that my boyfriend was holding drugs for this "best"friend because the friend had already gotten in so much trouble for smoking weed and doing bunch of other shit. Well, my boyfriend was on the track team, and he was a damn good runner. I knew that if he got caught with that shit that he would loose everything. He wouldn't have track or cross country and that would obviously throw all of the scholarship chances away and he had already won a few scholarships that as soon as he was caught with that stuff they would disappear regardless of it not being in his system. Well, I found out and I was REALLY pissed off, because I had a few friends at the beginning of the school year that smoked pot that I told hey, you can't have the stuff around me, because our school has this rule and probably all schools have it but it's a guilt by association, which means, that if I was with my boyfriend and he had the weed, and somehow the teacher or principal found out that not only him would get in trouble but I would be also suspended. I'm a top notch student, I love school and I told him when I found out that he needed to get rid of it. He said he couldn't because it wasn't his and that his friend had already got in trouble for it and if he gets caught they're kicking him out of school, well I told him about all the stuff if he got caught with it, that it was also criminal charges and shit and he was like, fine, I'll give it back to him and won't do it again, well, he lied because the next week he still had it and lied about it to me. Well the next day I was pissed because he hadn't shown up to school yet and one of his friends told me he hadn't gotten rid of it, and the bell rang and I went to class. Well they locked down the school and we were all freaking out because the teachers had no idea what was going on so we thought someone had a gun and was walking around, well, that wasn't the case, what it was.. was that there was a drug dog walking around the school checking lockers and stuff.... well I didn't know that until the lock down was lifted, and I WAS PISSED. Because if he had gotten caught I was going to be in deep shit. Well, he hadn't brought it to school that day and he didn't get in trouble. But I was pissed because he finally confessed like a week and a half after he told me he had gotten rid of it and told me that he lied. I was on my last straw, but I was an idiot and let him get away with it. Then prom was coming up.. and I didn't even know if we were going to be dating by then because I was seriously considered breaking up with him because I was doing all the work, I messaged him, I met him at his locker, I started the conversations, I was the one who hugged him and I had asked him to come out with a few of my friends on double dates and shit and he always said yeah he could go but he'd stand me up that day, then I was performing in a show for singing and he promised me that he'd be there, but I got on stage and I was looking for him and his seat was freaking empty and still to this day, he doesn't know how bad that hurt me, because I had been going to his track meets, I had gone to his award cerimony things, and everything and he couldn't show up for one thing that meant the world to me. Anyway, I have two gay friends and one is my BEST friend like we do almost everything together, and the other gay friend was pretty much the same thing, well my boyfriend flat out told me he doesn't like gay people, and I was mad... but we had already been dating and stuff and it never was a problem until he started getting pissy about my best friend hugging me or even being around when we were together, so my friends drifted away from me, and I didn't notice because I was seeing stars I had a Junior boyfriend and so I was at one of his track meets and I was sitting with a few of my friends and we were all laughing and talking and stuff, well I seen him talking with a girl on the team and I got kinda like... hmm why are they talking? Because like I said he's a shy guy, well... I ignored it I'm not the jealous type.. but later that night, he ended up asking me to prom over facebook because we had gotten into a fight and I guess he figured that was the perfect way to get off the hook, I mean what girl doesn't want to go to a prom and where this gorgeous gown and I said yes, because I was just happy that he was finally maybe changing? I don't know but a few days after he asked me I was on facebook hanging around and I seen one of the girls from school had made her status, I wish I could go to prom. Well this is the same girl that he had been talking to in track and he had commented on the status, and he said, I wish I would have known! I would have asked you! Okay... that was like a HUGE slap in the fucking face and I cried like two days straight I almost called him and told him for forget it I'm done, there's no fucking point, but I didn't thinking hey it could get better! Well, that day at prom we were getting pictures taken and he didn't want to touch me... it was like... I was some disgusting piece of gum stuck to his shoe, he acted like he put is arm around me, but he never made contact with me, like I was gonna hug him when we met at the park and he didn't want to hug me.. and I was like okay then, well he talked about the friend of his that had the weed the whole time on the way to the prom and I was kinda getting upset because he was ruining the mood and we got to prom and I was starting to have some fun, and in the middle of dancing with him, he just walks away to go hang out with his guys friends that I've never been comfortable hanging around with because they're always mean to me, well, I said fine, I was going to let it upset me, so I still just danced with my friends and he just stood there and watched everyone dancing no matter how many times I tried to get him to dance (which he's an awful dancer but I mean the whole point of prom is to dance, and he danced at homecoming so I was like wtf?) Well, slow songs came on and he was so talk that it just was embarrasing because I was so freaking short, and it was fun don't get me wrong it was the most magical night of my life becuase when we were dancing and stuff at the dance we weren't fighting or anything like usual, but while we danced he was talking about stuff that hand nothing to do remotely about the dance or anything and it awkward. Finally he kissed me (he'd never kissed me before) and it was really quick and it wasn't almost like a kiss, it was like a peck and it was like as long as a blink lol. I didn't even have time to comprehend the feelings... the after prom was... hmm... how to describe.... It was fun... but I don't think it was fun for him... I was having a ball laughing with everyone and stuff and he just stood there. In the photo booth I got in with one of my friends and he and I were all over the place laughing making stupid faces and he even licked my face to get this HILARIOUS photo of my face all shocked and grossed out lol, and then we come out laughing and stuff and my bf and I got in and he just sat there... no smile... no funny face.... nothing... we walked out of the booth and the guy who was running was like... that was boring? Lol I thought so too... but all night I was laughing and trying to get him to do something with me and he didn't... I tried holding his hand and he pulled away like he was disgusted... I never knew how bad it hurt when someone does that to you. I mean it totally fucked me up, he was always trying to pick me up and I got emabrassed because he couldn't I'm a big girl so it's just awful. I was okay with how I looked until I found a guy that... I don't think treated me the way I deserved. We broke up a week after prom, and it's been about a year now since we broke up and he has a girlfriend now and for some reason watching him treat her the way he never treated me, it really just makes me cry, because now I know that I wasn't "good" enough for him. He wanted that skinny, beautiful girl, and all he got was me... it really upsets me. It hurts because he's the only guy that's even given me a chance. The guys at school, they don't see me.. when they look at me, they don't see that I laugh constantly or I'm good at singing and giving people advice and I'm always hugging my friends and outgoing and not afraid to show who I am and try new things, all they see is that I'm pale, I have pimples every once in a while, a gap in my teeth, abnormally amount of freckles, has a tendency to make dumb ass faces and wears a size 16 jeans, with thighs the size of and elephants leg. I'm always so stupid to fall for the guys who are so nice and handsome and then it comes back and bites me in the ass because I find out they are mean and so judgemental. I'm loosing hope that there's a guy for me because I'm 17 in highschool and I've only had one boyfriend in my life, and I let him walk all over me. I let him walk all over me because I felt that he got made fun of for having a fat girlfriend.. and that he could do so much better and why was he still with me, I stayed with him, because no matter what any of those people said, he never doubted me, he was never the one to say hey, I don't want to do this anymore, you're not pretty enough. He kept me, and dealed with the bullshit that was delt to him... and I wasn't going to let them people make me feel like this, but I did and I hate it, I hate that I let them win, but in the end I think that it was the right thing to do. I loved him, but I needed to look out for myself regardless of how I feel now. I know that if I was still dating him... I don't know where I'd be now, probably on the verge of jumping off a cliff for some of things he was put through and all of the crap I was put through, but he's happy now, with his new girlfriend, and I knew as soon as we broke up there'd be someone else, he's a really good looking kid (another reason to feel I was never good enough for him) and yeah it hurts like a bitch when I see them together, but it makes me feel good inside that he's found someone that makes him happy, like I couldn't do for him... now I just wish I could find someone to make me happy, or at least be there for me to help me through all this shit. I'm just not a beautiful girl... and I'm going to have to face that the only way woman can make it in the world it seems like, is to be beuatiful, you don't see a girl like me in Hollywood working in a bunch of movies and shit.. oh well... guess I'll still be sitting here in my tower waiting for a blind prince... lol.

1. Money Problems

Right now in the United States, everyone is having money problems... but we've had money problems ever since I was really little. And you can't blame anyone really, my mom has bad back problems and can't work, and my dad's not in my life, though he pays child support, but that's like 600 bucks a month... like not much when we have to pay rent, and bills. I don't get to do a lot of things the other kids can do, and it's embarrassing so I sometimes have to lie... and be like, I can't go my brother's coming home, or my mom and I were going to go shopping or something stupid like that. I feel guilty when I ask my mom for things, like books or money for things because I know it's not there and I feel guilty when I do get something because I know that my mom has given something up for me to have this. I've wanted to get a job, but I'm sick, I can't drive, and older people can't even find jobs? I mean who would you hire? a 16 year old girl with no working skills what so ever, or a person who has kids, needs the money really bad, and has experience. I just feel horrible all the time because I worry about money. What really makes me sad... is that there are people out there A LOT worse then me, and I feel horrible because I get upset that I can't buy a book, or I can't shop at the mall instead of thrift stores, or I have to eat the same thing all week because it's cheaper than buying all different things. I have friends that will take me places and buy me things, and I feel horrible because I know that I can never repay them back. I could never buy them stuff like they buy me. I just feel so horrible. I feel like I'm greedy and a bad person because I get upset about all of this. I know I have a good life (sort of) but, you still always wish for something that we can't have... isn't that natural?

Heartbreak

So, since no one reads this because no one really knows about it and the people who do know about it probably don't care so I'm going to pour my heart out in this blog because I have a lot on my chest and I don't care what happens after this. There are about 8 things that I need to address and this is the list and then following will be the actual blog posts for each number.

1. Money Problems
2. Boy problems
3. How I see my self (see #2 for more info)
4. My grandmother
5. Being sick
6. School
7. Friends
8. Car Accidents

Why do I always look so sad?

Anyone ever feel so sad that it’s impossible for them to cry anymore? What about breathe? Sometimes just laying on my back and staring at the ceiling feeling sorry for myself helps, but I feel like I’m sinking into a abyss into a dark hole and I can see the tiny pin prick in the sky that looks like a star and then I’m falling farther and farther until I can’t see that light anymore. Every morning I wake up to a nightmare, I can’t even get away from everything when I do fall asleep. I wake up, nightmare, I go to sleep, worse nightmare, and sometimes I wonder where all my good dreams have gone? What ever happened to riding in a motorcycle behind Robert Pattinson? Or dancing in the arms of the sexiest man on earth Matthew Gray Gubler? Where have they gone and will they be gone forever? I will never blame anyone for why I feel this way, though there are people who helped me get where I am today and I can’t blame them because I let them. I let them get to me, and now I’m hopeless that I can’t even think like I used to anymore. There is no beauty in my eyes everywhere I look everything reminds me of those people, though I try to get away, I still yearn for friends. Now I have no one… at all…. No one to make me laugh, no one to sing for… I feel lost. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with myself? I can’t keep feeling this way and nothing I’m doing is working right just feel like I’m falling into that deep hole forever, and ever and ever and ever and I ain’t gonna see the sun again. I see my friends and they ask me, “Why do you look so sad?” Sometimes I say, “because I am sad” but do they ever listen? No. Of course not, I’ve sat for 7 years, giving them adivce, telling them it’s going to be okay, I love you, You’re my bestfriend and I will help you, and I have always been there for them, but now, what has all my love ever done? I have friends who don’t message me, they don’t talk to me, people I was BEST friends will don’t call even though I sit at the telephone and stare at it sometimes. How is it fair that I’ve ALWAYS been there for them, but when I get sick and I have to stay home, they really could care less. They go out and have fun taking millions of pictures with their smiling faces and I sit at home and watch those pictures upload and deep down I know they aren’t missing me… how could they? Their having the time of their lives and I know that a few have messaged me, but only to say hi… and then never messaged me back after I send, Oh I miss you guys so much! How are you? What’s going on? What’s the gossip going around school? Oh I forgot to mention the gossip… Apparently I am pregnant and that’s why I’m not in school, I left school to take care of my baby…. it’s sooooo stupid, if anyone knows me they wouldn’t believe it… but then I see them a few of my friends actually spreading the rumors and I can’t help but wonder are they really my friends? I put my heart and soul in to them I love them, and I will always love them because I am that type of person. I’ve always been the shoulder you could cry on, the person you could go to and tell their deepest darkest secrets and I wouldn’t tell ANYONE. I know things about people in my school that if they got out, it would kill them… so why is it that when rumors about me are flying around, why do they spread them? I have stood up for almost every person in that school and I have always denied a claim even if I knew it was true because I know how bad they are hurting. My mom says that the good people on this earth suffer the most… does this mean that I’m going to suffer because I’m not an ass? Why does that seem unfair? Why is it some people in my school get everything their little hearts desire and treat people like shit but they get the popularity, the good looks, the skinny bodies, the teacher’s favorite and of course the one desire to almost every fucking teenage girl in the world a boy or guy to just love them. How is it the good people are pushed into the closet and coats and junk piled on top of them. Soon all that’s going to add up and they’re never going to be able to get up again. Thoughts are always racing in my mind…. why would she do this? When am I finally going to get a break? Why am I sick? Why do people hate me? How can they let people treat other people this way? How could anyone ever get up from a fall like this? Why is it that I have to go to the hospital all the time and have needles shoved in my arm and medication pumped through my veins. I know people are going through worse and I don’t know how they do it because I can barely handle just this. I’m at home all alone, I don’t know how I don’t cry 24/7 and you would think when I’m at home all alone I would find something to make me happy but I’ve tried… I’ve tried everything and I can’t find something to do to keep my mind off those racing thoughts because they never go away. I can’t even sleep because I’m haunted by everything that has happened. I’m in the car, laughing with music, my friend in the passenger seat and she was smiling that huge smile that she had, and then I hear it….. I can hear the tires…. Squealing leaving the rubber residue on the road, and then I could feel it… everything was slow… the car moving, glass shattering and I felt cold….. I could feel rain falling on my skin only to open my eyes and see that it’s glass. I could hear shrill screams, and they haven’t stopped since I seen the truck’s headlights and then I relaize that I’m screaming…. I heard the medal crunching… the air hung in the air like a sticky muggy summer day and I could hear the whimper… the smallest little noise in the whole thing, and then I hear silence…. Nothing moved…… Not even me, I open my eyes and I realize I had been holding my breath. I don’t look and slam my eyes shut again. My head is throbbing, my throat sore and dry and I take a deep breath, my chest hurting from the seatbelt…. I look over… and see her…. Her eyes weren’t close…. their beautiful blue color staring at me… a tear leaks from the bottom lid and trails down her face blending with the red…. all the red… everywhere…. I just scream for help, until my mom wraps her arms around me and squeezes me tight, and my head still hurts, my blankets and pillows on the floor and I can’t breathe.. I can’t breathe…..  So when asked, “Why do you always look so sad?”  This whole thing…. all of it…. that is why I always look so sad.