Sad Day Today

My friend was in a car accident on November 1st and she passed away. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her… and I can’t listen to the song: If I Die Young by The Band Perry because obvious reasons, she died young, and I think about all the things she’ll never get to do or see, and it just breaks my heart. I feel so guilty because I just couldn’t get out of bed to go to her funeral, and I regret it not telling her goodbye and for being there for me. I just couldn’t walk into that church and see her. I’ve visited her grave, but… it’s just… it’s still un-real, and I feel like… nothing’s ever gonna help me get over this. People keep saying she’s in a better place, but I just can’t think how is somewhere better if all her family and friends are down here that need her. It hurts. I can’t exactly cry about it because my mom doesn’t understand that we were good friends, she knows we were friends but I don’t think she ever realized how close we were because we talked mostly on the computer she had graduated highschool a year before I was a freshman and we met at the library. She was going to make the cover art for my book. When ever I had something that was making me sad I went to her because she was my big sister I’ve never had. Now she’s gone and things are just collapsing around me. I miss her so much, I feel like there’s apart of me missing. I feel like there’s so much pressure on my chest walking past her picture at school. It’s horrible. He brother’s a senior this year and he doesn’t know we were good friends but I can just imagine how much he’d going through, and I don’t know how he’s handling this so well. Idk I just really needed to get all this off my chest.

Seriously? Jelena more important?

Some girl posted this on tumblr that I follow and this is what I replied.

Beginning of something good :)

She walked into the dance hall. People had turned to look at her, but to her disappointment soon turned away. The air was stiffening hot and hung with the foul odor of sweat and pipe smoke. Carefully she made her way into the crowd her eyes searching everywhere for her friend Diane. Soon, her friend was spotted and upon approaching Diane took both of her hands into hers.
“Hello my dear. Few men are here but the ones who are, are quite appealing.” Diane said smiling and raising her eyebrows looking over her shoulder. She glanced back and seen a man leaning against the wall, his hands nervously adjusting his cravat, and his eyes looking about the room.
“Perhaps. He seems very nervous for an odd reason.” She whispered as a couple passed by bumping into Diane.
“Amelia, not all men are as confident as you believe.” Diane said taking a drink of her warm wine and crinkling her nose in disgust. Amelia turned to look back at the man but he was gone. Diane left her along the side of the dance floor and joined in with the shopkeepers son. Amelia took a seat and looked around the room. Diane had been right. Few men were here tonight seeing as most had signed up to join the regiment, but the few that were here were very good looking. The dancers began a slow dance and the music grew soft. Amelia spotted the man Diane had pointed out. He stood in the far corner. The candle light flickered off of his face and deeped the shadows in his cheekbones and eyes. He made eye contact with Amelia and she could feel her face turn warm. He let a small smile cross his face and then he turned back to the group whom was near him. His hand was wrapped around a cup and Amelia watched him with most intrest. Suddenly he laughed. Across the room Amelia could hear the wonderful sound and her throat tightened. His smile was warm along with the room which made Amelia take her fan out. The man was handsome. He was tall, dressed elegantly which Amelia took as a show of him being wealthy. He also kept up with the fashions of London. She could tell because he was wearing a velvet jacket tailored to fit perfectly, which was all the rage in London.

I've always wanted to have a girl baby when I get older, but last night... I realized I want a boy.

I want to raise a man, a guy who will hold doors open for girls, pull out their chairs, wear his pants where they should be, hold a girl’s hand like she’s the most prescious thing in the world, Put him in guitar lessons and let him express himself through song, I want to fuss over him before his first date, try to fix his hair and him yelling out “Ma! Cut it out!”, I want to have him make a girl smile with his sense of humor, most of all I want to raise a boy that won’t break a girl’s heart. <3

I'm a Criminal Minds Geek

So in case you don't know there is a show on CBS called Criminal Minds about Agents of the USA going around the country catching Serial Killers and I'm totally like obsessed with it, and I'm sooo in love with Matthew Gray Gubler who plays Dr. Spencer Reid on the show, but I love this show sooooooo freaking much but I think it seriously is affecting my mental status everywhere I go I'm like.... Omg, she/he's a serial killer ahahahah :P Like one time my mom's car broke down and this lady pulled over to help us out and she offered to drive me to school (that's where we were going) and I started freaking out even though my mom was in the car, but I was like hyperventaling cause I was thinking the whole time, she's driving us to her warehouse i nthe middle of no where where she'll torture us until we die... lol but she just took me to school. Afterwards I was like... I'm such a fucking weirdo... but everytime I'm like... lol Someone knocks on the door, serial killer, someone calls on the phone and hangs up, serial killer, odd friend request on facebook, serial killer, Guy that is in the same isle as me at the grocery store and happens to be in the next isle also... serial killer.... lol. Let's just say I'm always on alert. 

I Wanna Give Up.

I just want to give up... so bad.... I'm so tired.

The Death of Romance

I think I've gone completely crazy with the people in this time period. I'd rather be in Edwardian, or Regecy era. People look at me like I'm fucking crazy when I say this but... where's the romance gone in this world? Now a days if you love someone, you email, facebook, text, or twitter it to them. If you want to show someone you care you leave them a cute picture on their wall, with a truth is. Where the hell did the heart squeazing, girly squealing, can't keep a smile off you face love? Has it gone from the world? What happened to the long handwritten, spritzed with a gentle smell of your perfume love letters so eagerly written. I often sometimes wonder how people even know how to use a pencil anymore?! No longer are there ballrooms, or balls anymore. Reading these books, the ballroom is when people fell in love. Could you imagine? Seeing someone from afar, across the dance floor, his or her eyes connecting with yours, and that sudden, light headed, dizzy rush you got. The light of the candles making shadows on their face as they looked down, embarrassed to be caught looking at you, and then that wild feeling you got when you/her walked over to the girl and asked her to dance, heavens, just the touch of each other's hands THROUGH GLOVES I might add, made your heart squeeze with affection and love. Now a days people have sex in the back of a car.... Where's the class? The love, the romance? Is it gone cause I haven't seen any! How is it possible that Jane Austen, who was never married, wrote the greatest romance novels of all time? Because the romance was all around her. She could walk into a garden and see a rose and dream of the gentleman that would one day give that rose to the woman he loved. Now a days we have to wait in the Grocery store lines to get flowers to buy for someone. I'm fully convinced that with the death of the eras, romance died too.