lol my birthday cake?

Tired

It seems like each day gets a little bit harder, my medication's not working, I feel so alone because my friends aren't really talking to me, and I just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore, ever since I have been since, I feel a little piece of me slipping farther and farther away. I'm like Alice falling into a never ending hole with no wonderland at the bottom. With each minute the light from the top is getting smaller and smaller and it's getting darker and darker. I don't think my friends know how bad I am. I try to fake it, because they already think I'm depressing and horrible.... but if they only knew everything.... I think they would maybe understand better..... but... I don't think they would.... I don't think they'd care... I think they would be scared.... because I'm not who I used to be.

I Gave Up Facebook.

My life is kinda crappy right now. Since I'm sick and not in school anymore my friends have just seemed to forget about me. It sucks, so looking at all the places they go together, and making faces in pictures, when I should be there.... it just hurts so bad. Now that I'm better than what I was, they just don't bother to ask me to hang out because they did when I was really sick... and now.... they just don't care I guess? My therapist said to give up facebook for a month, and see if I want to go back. At this moment I think it's the best thing for me. Too much heartbreak, and sorrow on facebook. At least on tumblr I laugh all the time.... I've met some pretty amazing people and I love all the cool people here. This is gonna be really hard for me. sigh. 

Locks of Love

So there has been a few people in my life diagnosed with cancer in my life. I've seen the struggles, and fight, and the bravery. I needed to help in some way and so I decided I'm cutting my hair for a wig for a person with cancer. I've always wanted to do it, and I wanted it to be as long as I could get it and so today we took off to Great Clips (Who gives free haircuts if you donate, check with your local salon) and I got it chopped off. It's REALLY Short now, but it feels good to help someone in need. I also think it's wonderful that some little girl or boy will be walking around with my hair on their head, and empowering them. It's great, here are a few pictures before and after like. 

My therapist says that I need to write down the night terrors I have.... so I'm going to write them down here.

It was raining, it was pounding the roof and hood of the car. I was looking out the window trying to see where we were. I could feel it getting chilly... I looked over at the driver. He looked back and smiled at me. I couldn't help but smile back. We pulled to a stop at a corner. As he pulled out a huge flash of light. I could feel the air get thick, almost with a static charge that clings everything to your body. I looked over to see a horrified look on his face and I let out a scream as a truck smashes into the car. I could hear the metal crushing metal, the pop and shatter of glass breaking. I could feel him lunge over to wrap his arms around me but h never made it as the car over turned, I was screaming but I couldn't hear anything. I felt like we were spinning around and around the car continues to flip side to side, end to start, it just keeps going. I feel a horrifying pain in my leg and I can hear myself screaming now... it's so loud, but it hurts so bad. I have my eyes closed because I know I'm going to die. I can feel my fingers slowly going numb. This is it... this is it.... The car stops..... it creaks and moans but it has finally stopped flipping. I felt blood in my hair, I could feel the ooze tricking down my forehead stinging my eyes. I couldn't feel my leg anymore, and I was sure that my arm was broken. I look over to see him... to see if he was alright..... There was red everywhere...his eyes were looking at me... pleading for me to do something. His neck bent at and awkward angle and his mouth hung open in a frozen scream. I began to scream for help. He was crying... a tear ran down his bloodstreaked face. I kept screaming for somone to help. Find us. Someone. Somone call 911, what's taking so long. I watched him blink once look over at me. He tried to talk, but blood came out of his mouth and he began to choke. He lifted his hand and I reached over and grabbed it. I squeezed it tight. He squeazed back. I closed my eyes and I felt his cold hand go limp. He was dead.

I can't take this anymore.

I don't want to live anymore.... I can't handle all this. I can't handle being sick. I can't handle hating myself. I can't handle everyone hurting me. I can't handle all the shit I been put through. I can't do it anymore... I can't.

I'm so sick.

I'm sick. And not in the way many people think. I'm not sick where in a few days it will go away. I'm not sick that it will stay with me forever. I'm stuck in the middle, it's something that I will have to deal with and could go away. I hate this feeling. I hate when my stomach hurts so bad all I want to do is lay in bed scrunched up and cry. I hate that I can't eat like I used to and feel so nauseated and sick that I feel like I'm going to puke. I can't handle the feeling I get when I haven't ate anything and yet my stomach feels so full. I hate that I'm losing so much weight, making my skin sag, and my cheek bones poke through. I hate that my friends think that I'm going to get better in a few days and what they don't understand is that I'm in the doctors every other day, for being physically sick, and for having severe depression. I can't handle this horrible feeling anymore, I wish that I could just go to sleep and wake up and realize that all this was a crazy horrible nightmare. I wish that they could fix me, but nothing's working, nothing's ever going to work because maybe I'm making myself sick. I worry and make myself sick. I hate everything that's going on and now it's come to the point where I'm just done and I don't want to do ANYTHING anymore. I want to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and just cry until I'm dead. But I can't do that and it really just sucks that I'm going to suffer through all this.

My grandmother has Alzheimers

My grandmother and grandfather we're always a big part of my life. I went to their house every weekend with my mother and brother. I remember so much happiness in that house, laughing with my family, laughing with my grandma and grandpa and just having so much fun. My grandfather died on my birthday in 2003. He was my best friend and I miss him and think about him everyday. My grandmother began I would say giving up after he died, and slowly we noticed she was slipping away and forgetting things. My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzhemiers a few years ago. It was easy in the beginning she didn't forget that much, she was still herself. Now... she doesn't remember much of anything. I get so sad walking into that house seeing how she is, not remembering much of anything, none of the happy memories that we use to have. It's so dark in that house, it just lingers with sadness now. You walk in and you can't help but get sad. No one wants to see someone they love go through this. She still remembers me but barely. Some days she thinks that I'm my mother when she was a young girl, and sometimes she knows exactly who I am and can remember everything we've talked about, and then sometimes she doesn't even know who I am and ask's my mother who the little girl is (which I'm 17 but little to her). I get scared that she's going to die, and I'm going to lose her, but then I think, I really have already lost her. She's not the person she used to be. She still thinks my grandpa and her mom are alive, and it breaks my heart when she thinks they've lefter her and ran away.... It kills me to have to watch her sob after my mom explains that they are gone and have been gone for some time and watch her whisper no one ever told me.... and she had been there for both. I'm scared that this is going to happen to my mother, I'm so terrified that she won't remember me when I walk into her house with my daughter. I'm so terrified of losing everyone.

3. How I see myself

This is going to be the hardest post to write. I've grown up with my mom telling me, you are smart, you are brave, you are strong, and you are beautiful. Right now.... I don't feel like any of those. I'm emotionally screwed up from so much shit that's happened in my past, people have left me, abandoned me more like it, treated me like I'm not importnant, and made fun of me to the point where I had wanted to end everything. I'm always the friend that tells all my girlfriends how gorgeous they are, that they are beautiful no matter what else anyone says, and I honestly feel that way. Now you are probably thinking if she says that to all her friends why can't she feel the same way about herself? I just can't.... I've been told my whole life ever since I was little from people that I'm too loud, I'm too outgoing, I'm too happy, too sad, too fat, too smart, too dumb, too short, too poor, too ugly and for once I feel like I'm all of those things and I can't stand it! I CAN'T STAND IT! I've had boys stare at me, and made me smile only to see them laughing and pointing at me. I can't shop at the mall because none of the stores carry my size (not to mention the money see #1) I've never had a random guy walk up to me and ask me for my number or tell me I'm beautiful, like all of my friends have. All of my friends has had two boyfriends is the minimum, there are a few whom have had more than that, and I've only had one and it only lasted a month and during that time I was told what I had always felt like. I can't fit into the beautiful dresses for prom, and I can't wear the cute forever 21 dresses or outfits, I have to cut inches off the botoms of my jeans because I'm too short. I walk into the bathroom and I stare at the girl looking at me and I see my goregous blue eyes (the only thing I'm ever complimented on) my rat brown, wavy, frizzy hair. I stare at my chubby cheeks no bone structure what so ever, and my gap in the bottom of my teeth that cuts my lip all the time... not to mention the lips by themselves, full and pink but.. they're always peeling, or chapped from me biting on them when I'm upset, nervous, or just flat out bored. I have fat chubby, sort fingers, on a puffy hand. My skins so white you can see the blue blood veins that run through my body. I have a huge gut that if wearing hip huggers hangs over my belt and makes my face red from embarrassment. How did I let myself get this way? How did I go from being an all star swimmer to, a girl who huffs and puffs getting up the stairs or can't run to the street corner without feeling like I'm going to die? How did I let myself look like this? Why didn't someone stop me from turning into this huge whale I am now? When did I start feeling like this? When did I start looking at everyone around me and feeling like I'm not good enough? When did I notice that I wasn't like the girls on TV or the girls that walk the same halls as me at school? At school some of the girls talk about how a few girls are fat, and they all laugh and then I look at the skinny girl they're talking about and I wonder if she's fat... what do they call me? No one really knows about this. I'm always this confident strong person who doesn't care what people think, who doesn't mind making an ass of herself and act stupid in front of people, but that's all show... that's what it is... I do all that stupid shit because no one would notice me if I wasn't loud and outgoing. I'd be that girl that sits in the library in the corner reading or eating my lunch in the bathroom or an empty janitors closet. I'm that dumbass girl like has crushes on the most handsome guy in the world, regardless that he's in college, and is way too out of my league and is so talented. It's just a crush, nothing would ever come from it, and I feel like I'm not good enough for a guy like that. He dated the most prettiest girl in school, most of the boys I like, would never settle for someone like me... I wish I could take a sledge hammer to my god damn mirror because it just shows me everything I don't want to see. It shows the streched skin, the scars, the freackles, the tears and sadness in my eyes, the broken lip, and to large nose. It shows me everything that people are too afraid to tell me to my face except the ones that make fun of me for it. I want to close my eyes and picture me beautiful... and I can't.

2. Boy Problems

This post has a huge to do with the next post. I've had horrible problems with boys. One was with my past boyfriend. Now.. when I first met him... he was a kind of quiet kid, and he was tall and cute and pretty geeky outcast, and he pretty much wanted nothing to do with me, but I seen the kid that had the great smile, and he was nice to everyone so I naturally liked him. I was stupid and crazy and I worshiped the ground he walked on and for a while it was good. We got closer and closer, I'd meet him at his locker, we'd talk on facebook, you know friends stuff. I kept asking him about what we were and he was obviously not ready for a good relationship. I really should of listened to him and then I never would have gotten into all this mess that pretty much screwed me up. Any way, So we started... idk what to even call it because he was my boyfriend but then he wasn't... lol. It's so complicated to explain about all this when I've held all of it back for sooo long. Mind all of you that this happened over a year ago and I still feel ripped apart about all of it. But anyway, we started "dating" and things got off on a rocky start, yet another sign of the eminent doom. We were rocky and there were some days where I was completely loving being his girlfriend and then there were days where I was like who are you and what the fuck did you do to my boyfriend? Things got boring, same old same old every week... Monday fine... Tuesday fine... Wednesday okay... Thursday pissed off...Friday on the verge of murdering this kid... saturday feeling guilty for saying things that were bluntly true but shouldn't of said anything... Sunday loving and missing him.... and it just started all over again. Things were okay until the second semester when he began hanging out with a bunch of guys that I had never liked because they're the mean guys, the ones that have always made fun of me, and the ones that always are getting in trouble. I dicussed all this with him and he said that I was wrong and they were really nice guys once you got to know them. Well, I never told him that these guys make fun of me everyday of my life, but I was like whatever and dropped it. Well soon, we were fighting more than anything because his "best"friend was making snide remarks when I was standing there with my boyfriend about my weight. I would get pissed off and told the kid to fuck off and my boyfriend would get pissed because I yelled at his friends. Finally I just stopped fighting about all of it and just kept quiet whenever they said something to me. One day he was sitting with all of them in the cafeteria and their table was right next to mine. They were talking about me, making mooing noises (obviously calling me a cow) some whispers about me breaking the floors or sitting on the chair and bending the metal legs. I sat there and my friends were steaming.. I could feel my face start to heat up.. and I felt the tears that stung my eyes but I didn't say anything.. I kept quiet figured my boyfriend was more important to me than the stupid little remarks that came from his friends. I got up to take my tray up to the washer and coming back I stopped and was talking to a friend at the next table. Well my boyfriend's "best" friend stood up and got the attention of all his friends and shouted at me, "Hey Fat ass Faith, sit down you're flab is blocking the sun!" I was already hurt as it was, and I'm a girl every girl has feelings about their body that they don't like. I could handle it anymore. I looked at my boyfriend who was sitting there laughing with them and I couldn't hold back my tears.. I just couldn't do it anymore... and so I was so mad that I stared at him, and I didn't burst into tears, or sob, but I did cry two tears and he seen them and he stopped laughing because for once I showed him how bad it hurt. We had just had a conversation about him not standing up for me the night before and I was waiting to see if he was going to hold up to his word.... and he didn't... he just sat there his eyes never meeting mine and his friends roaring with laughter. I walked past him and purposely bumped into him and ran to the bathroom because I couldn't hold it in anymore... the bell rang and I ran to my next class so I wouldn't run into anyone thinking I could hold it together but I couldn't and things just broke down, the teacher sent me to the office and I had to talk to the principal about this "best"friend of my boyfriends and he got in trouble but the problems didn't even end there. Come to find out a few weeks later that my boyfriend was holding drugs for this "best"friend because the friend had already gotten in so much trouble for smoking weed and doing bunch of other shit. Well, my boyfriend was on the track team, and he was a damn good runner. I knew that if he got caught with that shit that he would loose everything. He wouldn't have track or cross country and that would obviously throw all of the scholarship chances away and he had already won a few scholarships that as soon as he was caught with that stuff they would disappear regardless of it not being in his system. Well, I found out and I was REALLY pissed off, because I had a few friends at the beginning of the school year that smoked pot that I told hey, you can't have the stuff around me, because our school has this rule and probably all schools have it but it's a guilt by association, which means, that if I was with my boyfriend and he had the weed, and somehow the teacher or principal found out that not only him would get in trouble but I would be also suspended. I'm a top notch student, I love school and I told him when I found out that he needed to get rid of it. He said he couldn't because it wasn't his and that his friend had already got in trouble for it and if he gets caught they're kicking him out of school, well I told him about all the stuff if he got caught with it, that it was also criminal charges and shit and he was like, fine, I'll give it back to him and won't do it again, well, he lied because the next week he still had it and lied about it to me. Well the next day I was pissed because he hadn't shown up to school yet and one of his friends told me he hadn't gotten rid of it, and the bell rang and I went to class. Well they locked down the school and we were all freaking out because the teachers had no idea what was going on so we thought someone had a gun and was walking around, well, that wasn't the case, what it was.. was that there was a drug dog walking around the school checking lockers and stuff.... well I didn't know that until the lock down was lifted, and I WAS PISSED. Because if he had gotten caught I was going to be in deep shit. Well, he hadn't brought it to school that day and he didn't get in trouble. But I was pissed because he finally confessed like a week and a half after he told me he had gotten rid of it and told me that he lied. I was on my last straw, but I was an idiot and let him get away with it. Then prom was coming up.. and I didn't even know if we were going to be dating by then because I was seriously considered breaking up with him because I was doing all the work, I messaged him, I met him at his locker, I started the conversations, I was the one who hugged him and I had asked him to come out with a few of my friends on double dates and shit and he always said yeah he could go but he'd stand me up that day, then I was performing in a show for singing and he promised me that he'd be there, but I got on stage and I was looking for him and his seat was freaking empty and still to this day, he doesn't know how bad that hurt me, because I had been going to his track meets, I had gone to his award cerimony things, and everything and he couldn't show up for one thing that meant the world to me. Anyway, I have two gay friends and one is my BEST friend like we do almost everything together, and the other gay friend was pretty much the same thing, well my boyfriend flat out told me he doesn't like gay people, and I was mad... but we had already been dating and stuff and it never was a problem until he started getting pissy about my best friend hugging me or even being around when we were together, so my friends drifted away from me, and I didn't notice because I was seeing stars I had a Junior boyfriend and so I was at one of his track meets and I was sitting with a few of my friends and we were all laughing and talking and stuff, well I seen him talking with a girl on the team and I got kinda like... hmm why are they talking? Because like I said he's a shy guy, well... I ignored it I'm not the jealous type.. but later that night, he ended up asking me to prom over facebook because we had gotten into a fight and I guess he figured that was the perfect way to get off the hook, I mean what girl doesn't want to go to a prom and where this gorgeous gown and I said yes, because I was just happy that he was finally maybe changing? I don't know but a few days after he asked me I was on facebook hanging around and I seen one of the girls from school had made her status, I wish I could go to prom. Well this is the same girl that he had been talking to in track and he had commented on the status, and he said, I wish I would have known! I would have asked you! Okay... that was like a HUGE slap in the fucking face and I cried like two days straight I almost called him and told him for forget it I'm done, there's no fucking point, but I didn't thinking hey it could get better! Well, that day at prom we were getting pictures taken and he didn't want to touch me... it was like... I was some disgusting piece of gum stuck to his shoe, he acted like he put is arm around me, but he never made contact with me, like I was gonna hug him when we met at the park and he didn't want to hug me.. and I was like okay then, well he talked about the friend of his that had the weed the whole time on the way to the prom and I was kinda getting upset because he was ruining the mood and we got to prom and I was starting to have some fun, and in the middle of dancing with him, he just walks away to go hang out with his guys friends that I've never been comfortable hanging around with because they're always mean to me, well, I said fine, I was going to let it upset me, so I still just danced with my friends and he just stood there and watched everyone dancing no matter how many times I tried to get him to dance (which he's an awful dancer but I mean the whole point of prom is to dance, and he danced at homecoming so I was like wtf?) Well, slow songs came on and he was so talk that it just was embarrasing because I was so freaking short, and it was fun don't get me wrong it was the most magical night of my life becuase when we were dancing and stuff at the dance we weren't fighting or anything like usual, but while we danced he was talking about stuff that hand nothing to do remotely about the dance or anything and it awkward. Finally he kissed me (he'd never kissed me before) and it was really quick and it wasn't almost like a kiss, it was like a peck and it was like as long as a blink lol. I didn't even have time to comprehend the feelings... the after prom was... hmm... how to describe.... It was fun... but I don't think it was fun for him... I was having a ball laughing with everyone and stuff and he just stood there. In the photo booth I got in with one of my friends and he and I were all over the place laughing making stupid faces and he even licked my face to get this HILARIOUS photo of my face all shocked and grossed out lol, and then we come out laughing and stuff and my bf and I got in and he just sat there... no smile... no funny face.... nothing... we walked out of the booth and the guy who was running was like... that was boring? Lol I thought so too... but all night I was laughing and trying to get him to do something with me and he didn't... I tried holding his hand and he pulled away like he was disgusted... I never knew how bad it hurt when someone does that to you. I mean it totally fucked me up, he was always trying to pick me up and I got emabrassed because he couldn't I'm a big girl so it's just awful. I was okay with how I looked until I found a guy that... I don't think treated me the way I deserved. We broke up a week after prom, and it's been about a year now since we broke up and he has a girlfriend now and for some reason watching him treat her the way he never treated me, it really just makes me cry, because now I know that I wasn't "good" enough for him. He wanted that skinny, beautiful girl, and all he got was me... it really upsets me. It hurts because he's the only guy that's even given me a chance. The guys at school, they don't see me.. when they look at me, they don't see that I laugh constantly or I'm good at singing and giving people advice and I'm always hugging my friends and outgoing and not afraid to show who I am and try new things, all they see is that I'm pale, I have pimples every once in a while, a gap in my teeth, abnormally amount of freckles, has a tendency to make dumb ass faces and wears a size 16 jeans, with thighs the size of and elephants leg. I'm always so stupid to fall for the guys who are so nice and handsome and then it comes back and bites me in the ass because I find out they are mean and so judgemental. I'm loosing hope that there's a guy for me because I'm 17 in highschool and I've only had one boyfriend in my life, and I let him walk all over me. I let him walk all over me because I felt that he got made fun of for having a fat girlfriend.. and that he could do so much better and why was he still with me, I stayed with him, because no matter what any of those people said, he never doubted me, he was never the one to say hey, I don't want to do this anymore, you're not pretty enough. He kept me, and dealed with the bullshit that was delt to him... and I wasn't going to let them people make me feel like this, but I did and I hate it, I hate that I let them win, but in the end I think that it was the right thing to do. I loved him, but I needed to look out for myself regardless of how I feel now. I know that if I was still dating him... I don't know where I'd be now, probably on the verge of jumping off a cliff for some of things he was put through and all of the crap I was put through, but he's happy now, with his new girlfriend, and I knew as soon as we broke up there'd be someone else, he's a really good looking kid (another reason to feel I was never good enough for him) and yeah it hurts like a bitch when I see them together, but it makes me feel good inside that he's found someone that makes him happy, like I couldn't do for him... now I just wish I could find someone to make me happy, or at least be there for me to help me through all this shit. I'm just not a beautiful girl... and I'm going to have to face that the only way woman can make it in the world it seems like, is to be beuatiful, you don't see a girl like me in Hollywood working in a bunch of movies and shit.. oh well... guess I'll still be sitting here in my tower waiting for a blind prince... lol.

1. Money Problems

Right now in the United States, everyone is having money problems... but we've had money problems ever since I was really little. And you can't blame anyone really, my mom has bad back problems and can't work, and my dad's not in my life, though he pays child support, but that's like 600 bucks a month... like not much when we have to pay rent, and bills. I don't get to do a lot of things the other kids can do, and it's embarrassing so I sometimes have to lie... and be like, I can't go my brother's coming home, or my mom and I were going to go shopping or something stupid like that. I feel guilty when I ask my mom for things, like books or money for things because I know it's not there and I feel guilty when I do get something because I know that my mom has given something up for me to have this. I've wanted to get a job, but I'm sick, I can't drive, and older people can't even find jobs? I mean who would you hire? a 16 year old girl with no working skills what so ever, or a person who has kids, needs the money really bad, and has experience. I just feel horrible all the time because I worry about money. What really makes me sad... is that there are people out there A LOT worse then me, and I feel horrible because I get upset that I can't buy a book, or I can't shop at the mall instead of thrift stores, or I have to eat the same thing all week because it's cheaper than buying all different things. I have friends that will take me places and buy me things, and I feel horrible because I know that I can never repay them back. I could never buy them stuff like they buy me. I just feel so horrible. I feel like I'm greedy and a bad person because I get upset about all of this. I know I have a good life (sort of) but, you still always wish for something that we can't have... isn't that natural?

Heartbreak

So, since no one reads this because no one really knows about it and the people who do know about it probably don't care so I'm going to pour my heart out in this blog because I have a lot on my chest and I don't care what happens after this. There are about 8 things that I need to address and this is the list and then following will be the actual blog posts for each number.

1. Money Problems
2. Boy problems
3. How I see my self (see #2 for more info)
4. My grandmother
5. Being sick
6. School
7. Friends
8. Car Accidents

Why do I always look so sad?

Anyone ever feel so sad that it’s impossible for them to cry anymore? What about breathe? Sometimes just laying on my back and staring at the ceiling feeling sorry for myself helps, but I feel like I’m sinking into a abyss into a dark hole and I can see the tiny pin prick in the sky that looks like a star and then I’m falling farther and farther until I can’t see that light anymore. Every morning I wake up to a nightmare, I can’t even get away from everything when I do fall asleep. I wake up, nightmare, I go to sleep, worse nightmare, and sometimes I wonder where all my good dreams have gone? What ever happened to riding in a motorcycle behind Robert Pattinson? Or dancing in the arms of the sexiest man on earth Matthew Gray Gubler? Where have they gone and will they be gone forever? I will never blame anyone for why I feel this way, though there are people who helped me get where I am today and I can’t blame them because I let them. I let them get to me, and now I’m hopeless that I can’t even think like I used to anymore. There is no beauty in my eyes everywhere I look everything reminds me of those people, though I try to get away, I still yearn for friends. Now I have no one… at all…. No one to make me laugh, no one to sing for… I feel lost. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with myself? I can’t keep feeling this way and nothing I’m doing is working right just feel like I’m falling into that deep hole forever, and ever and ever and ever and I ain’t gonna see the sun again. I see my friends and they ask me, “Why do you look so sad?” Sometimes I say, “because I am sad” but do they ever listen? No. Of course not, I’ve sat for 7 years, giving them adivce, telling them it’s going to be okay, I love you, You’re my bestfriend and I will help you, and I have always been there for them, but now, what has all my love ever done? I have friends who don’t message me, they don’t talk to me, people I was BEST friends will don’t call even though I sit at the telephone and stare at it sometimes. How is it fair that I’ve ALWAYS been there for them, but when I get sick and I have to stay home, they really could care less. They go out and have fun taking millions of pictures with their smiling faces and I sit at home and watch those pictures upload and deep down I know they aren’t missing me… how could they? Their having the time of their lives and I know that a few have messaged me, but only to say hi… and then never messaged me back after I send, Oh I miss you guys so much! How are you? What’s going on? What’s the gossip going around school? Oh I forgot to mention the gossip… Apparently I am pregnant and that’s why I’m not in school, I left school to take care of my baby…. it’s sooooo stupid, if anyone knows me they wouldn’t believe it… but then I see them a few of my friends actually spreading the rumors and I can’t help but wonder are they really my friends? I put my heart and soul in to them I love them, and I will always love them because I am that type of person. I’ve always been the shoulder you could cry on, the person you could go to and tell their deepest darkest secrets and I wouldn’t tell ANYONE. I know things about people in my school that if they got out, it would kill them… so why is it that when rumors about me are flying around, why do they spread them? I have stood up for almost every person in that school and I have always denied a claim even if I knew it was true because I know how bad they are hurting. My mom says that the good people on this earth suffer the most… does this mean that I’m going to suffer because I’m not an ass? Why does that seem unfair? Why is it some people in my school get everything their little hearts desire and treat people like shit but they get the popularity, the good looks, the skinny bodies, the teacher’s favorite and of course the one desire to almost every fucking teenage girl in the world a boy or guy to just love them. How is it the good people are pushed into the closet and coats and junk piled on top of them. Soon all that’s going to add up and they’re never going to be able to get up again. Thoughts are always racing in my mind…. why would she do this? When am I finally going to get a break? Why am I sick? Why do people hate me? How can they let people treat other people this way? How could anyone ever get up from a fall like this? Why is it that I have to go to the hospital all the time and have needles shoved in my arm and medication pumped through my veins. I know people are going through worse and I don’t know how they do it because I can barely handle just this. I’m at home all alone, I don’t know how I don’t cry 24/7 and you would think when I’m at home all alone I would find something to make me happy but I’ve tried… I’ve tried everything and I can’t find something to do to keep my mind off those racing thoughts because they never go away. I can’t even sleep because I’m haunted by everything that has happened. I’m in the car, laughing with music, my friend in the passenger seat and she was smiling that huge smile that she had, and then I hear it….. I can hear the tires…. Squealing leaving the rubber residue on the road, and then I could feel it… everything was slow… the car moving, glass shattering and I felt cold….. I could feel rain falling on my skin only to open my eyes and see that it’s glass. I could hear shrill screams, and they haven’t stopped since I seen the truck’s headlights and then I relaize that I’m screaming…. I heard the medal crunching… the air hung in the air like a sticky muggy summer day and I could hear the whimper… the smallest little noise in the whole thing, and then I hear silence…. Nothing moved…… Not even me, I open my eyes and I realize I had been holding my breath. I don’t look and slam my eyes shut again. My head is throbbing, my throat sore and dry and I take a deep breath, my chest hurting from the seatbelt…. I look over… and see her…. Her eyes weren’t close…. their beautiful blue color staring at me… a tear leaks from the bottom lid and trails down her face blending with the red…. all the red… everywhere…. I just scream for help, until my mom wraps her arms around me and squeezes me tight, and my head still hurts, my blankets and pillows on the floor and I can’t breathe.. I can’t breathe…..  So when asked, “Why do you always look so sad?”  This whole thing…. all of it…. that is why I always look so sad.

Sad Day Today

My friend was in a car accident on November 1st and she passed away. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her… and I can’t listen to the song: If I Die Young by The Band Perry because obvious reasons, she died young, and I think about all the things she’ll never get to do or see, and it just breaks my heart. I feel so guilty because I just couldn’t get out of bed to go to her funeral, and I regret it not telling her goodbye and for being there for me. I just couldn’t walk into that church and see her. I’ve visited her grave, but… it’s just… it’s still un-real, and I feel like… nothing’s ever gonna help me get over this. People keep saying she’s in a better place, but I just can’t think how is somewhere better if all her family and friends are down here that need her. It hurts. I can’t exactly cry about it because my mom doesn’t understand that we were good friends, she knows we were friends but I don’t think she ever realized how close we were because we talked mostly on the computer she had graduated highschool a year before I was a freshman and we met at the library. She was going to make the cover art for my book. When ever I had something that was making me sad I went to her because she was my big sister I’ve never had. Now she’s gone and things are just collapsing around me. I miss her so much, I feel like there’s apart of me missing. I feel like there’s so much pressure on my chest walking past her picture at school. It’s horrible. He brother’s a senior this year and he doesn’t know we were good friends but I can just imagine how much he’d going through, and I don’t know how he’s handling this so well. Idk I just really needed to get all this off my chest.

Seriously? Jelena more important?

Some girl posted this on tumblr that I follow and this is what I replied.

Beginning of something good :)

She walked into the dance hall. People had turned to look at her, but to her disappointment soon turned away. The air was stiffening hot and hung with the foul odor of sweat and pipe smoke. Carefully she made her way into the crowd her eyes searching everywhere for her friend Diane. Soon, her friend was spotted and upon approaching Diane took both of her hands into hers.
“Hello my dear. Few men are here but the ones who are, are quite appealing.” Diane said smiling and raising her eyebrows looking over her shoulder. She glanced back and seen a man leaning against the wall, his hands nervously adjusting his cravat, and his eyes looking about the room.
“Perhaps. He seems very nervous for an odd reason.” She whispered as a couple passed by bumping into Diane.
“Amelia, not all men are as confident as you believe.” Diane said taking a drink of her warm wine and crinkling her nose in disgust. Amelia turned to look back at the man but he was gone. Diane left her along the side of the dance floor and joined in with the shopkeepers son. Amelia took a seat and looked around the room. Diane had been right. Few men were here tonight seeing as most had signed up to join the regiment, but the few that were here were very good looking. The dancers began a slow dance and the music grew soft. Amelia spotted the man Diane had pointed out. He stood in the far corner. The candle light flickered off of his face and deeped the shadows in his cheekbones and eyes. He made eye contact with Amelia and she could feel her face turn warm. He let a small smile cross his face and then he turned back to the group whom was near him. His hand was wrapped around a cup and Amelia watched him with most intrest. Suddenly he laughed. Across the room Amelia could hear the wonderful sound and her throat tightened. His smile was warm along with the room which made Amelia take her fan out. The man was handsome. He was tall, dressed elegantly which Amelia took as a show of him being wealthy. He also kept up with the fashions of London. She could tell because he was wearing a velvet jacket tailored to fit perfectly, which was all the rage in London.

I've always wanted to have a girl baby when I get older, but last night... I realized I want a boy.

I want to raise a man, a guy who will hold doors open for girls, pull out their chairs, wear his pants where they should be, hold a girl’s hand like she’s the most prescious thing in the world, Put him in guitar lessons and let him express himself through song, I want to fuss over him before his first date, try to fix his hair and him yelling out “Ma! Cut it out!”, I want to have him make a girl smile with his sense of humor, most of all I want to raise a boy that won’t break a girl’s heart. <3

I'm a Criminal Minds Geek

So in case you don't know there is a show on CBS called Criminal Minds about Agents of the USA going around the country catching Serial Killers and I'm totally like obsessed with it, and I'm sooo in love with Matthew Gray Gubler who plays Dr. Spencer Reid on the show, but I love this show sooooooo freaking much but I think it seriously is affecting my mental status everywhere I go I'm like.... Omg, she/he's a serial killer ahahahah :P Like one time my mom's car broke down and this lady pulled over to help us out and she offered to drive me to school (that's where we were going) and I started freaking out even though my mom was in the car, but I was like hyperventaling cause I was thinking the whole time, she's driving us to her warehouse i nthe middle of no where where she'll torture us until we die... lol but she just took me to school. Afterwards I was like... I'm such a fucking weirdo... but everytime I'm like... lol Someone knocks on the door, serial killer, someone calls on the phone and hangs up, serial killer, odd friend request on facebook, serial killer, Guy that is in the same isle as me at the grocery store and happens to be in the next isle also... serial killer.... lol. Let's just say I'm always on alert. 

I Wanna Give Up.

I just want to give up... so bad.... I'm so tired.

The Death of Romance

I think I've gone completely crazy with the people in this time period. I'd rather be in Edwardian, or Regecy era. People look at me like I'm fucking crazy when I say this but... where's the romance gone in this world? Now a days if you love someone, you email, facebook, text, or twitter it to them. If you want to show someone you care you leave them a cute picture on their wall, with a truth is. Where the hell did the heart squeazing, girly squealing, can't keep a smile off you face love? Has it gone from the world? What happened to the long handwritten, spritzed with a gentle smell of your perfume love letters so eagerly written. I often sometimes wonder how people even know how to use a pencil anymore?! No longer are there ballrooms, or balls anymore. Reading these books, the ballroom is when people fell in love. Could you imagine? Seeing someone from afar, across the dance floor, his or her eyes connecting with yours, and that sudden, light headed, dizzy rush you got. The light of the candles making shadows on their face as they looked down, embarrassed to be caught looking at you, and then that wild feeling you got when you/her walked over to the girl and asked her to dance, heavens, just the touch of each other's hands THROUGH GLOVES I might add, made your heart squeeze with affection and love. Now a days people have sex in the back of a car.... Where's the class? The love, the romance? Is it gone cause I haven't seen any! How is it possible that Jane Austen, who was never married, wrote the greatest romance novels of all time? Because the romance was all around her. She could walk into a garden and see a rose and dream of the gentleman that would one day give that rose to the woman he loved. Now a days we have to wait in the Grocery store lines to get flowers to buy for someone. I'm fully convinced that with the death of the eras, romance died too.