3. How I see myself

This is going to be the hardest post to write. I've grown up with my mom telling me, you are smart, you are brave, you are strong, and you are beautiful. Right now.... I don't feel like any of those. I'm emotionally screwed up from so much shit that's happened in my past, people have left me, abandoned me more like it, treated me like I'm not importnant, and made fun of me to the point where I had wanted to end everything. I'm always the friend that tells all my girlfriends how gorgeous they are, that they are beautiful no matter what else anyone says, and I honestly feel that way. Now you are probably thinking if she says that to all her friends why can't she feel the same way about herself? I just can't.... I've been told my whole life ever since I was little from people that I'm too loud, I'm too outgoing, I'm too happy, too sad, too fat, too smart, too dumb, too short, too poor, too ugly and for once I feel like I'm all of those things and I can't stand it! I CAN'T STAND IT! I've had boys stare at me, and made me smile only to see them laughing and pointing at me. I can't shop at the mall because none of the stores carry my size (not to mention the money see #1) I've never had a random guy walk up to me and ask me for my number or tell me I'm beautiful, like all of my friends have. All of my friends has had two boyfriends is the minimum, there are a few whom have had more than that, and I've only had one and it only lasted a month and during that time I was told what I had always felt like. I can't fit into the beautiful dresses for prom, and I can't wear the cute forever 21 dresses or outfits, I have to cut inches off the botoms of my jeans because I'm too short. I walk into the bathroom and I stare at the girl looking at me and I see my goregous blue eyes (the only thing I'm ever complimented on) my rat brown, wavy, frizzy hair. I stare at my chubby cheeks no bone structure what so ever, and my gap in the bottom of my teeth that cuts my lip all the time... not to mention the lips by themselves, full and pink but.. they're always peeling, or chapped from me biting on them when I'm upset, nervous, or just flat out bored. I have fat chubby, sort fingers, on a puffy hand. My skins so white you can see the blue blood veins that run through my body. I have a huge gut that if wearing hip huggers hangs over my belt and makes my face red from embarrassment. How did I let myself get this way? How did I go from being an all star swimmer to, a girl who huffs and puffs getting up the stairs or can't run to the street corner without feeling like I'm going to die? How did I let myself look like this? Why didn't someone stop me from turning into this huge whale I am now? When did I start feeling like this? When did I start looking at everyone around me and feeling like I'm not good enough? When did I notice that I wasn't like the girls on TV or the girls that walk the same halls as me at school? At school some of the girls talk about how a few girls are fat, and they all laugh and then I look at the skinny girl they're talking about and I wonder if she's fat... what do they call me? No one really knows about this. I'm always this confident strong person who doesn't care what people think, who doesn't mind making an ass of herself and act stupid in front of people, but that's all show... that's what it is... I do all that stupid shit because no one would notice me if I wasn't loud and outgoing. I'd be that girl that sits in the library in the corner reading or eating my lunch in the bathroom or an empty janitors closet. I'm that dumbass girl like has crushes on the most handsome guy in the world, regardless that he's in college, and is way too out of my league and is so talented. It's just a crush, nothing would ever come from it, and I feel like I'm not good enough for a guy like that. He dated the most prettiest girl in school, most of the boys I like, would never settle for someone like me... I wish I could take a sledge hammer to my god damn mirror because it just shows me everything I don't want to see. It shows the streched skin, the scars, the freackles, the tears and sadness in my eyes, the broken lip, and to large nose. It shows me everything that people are too afraid to tell me to my face except the ones that make fun of me for it. I want to close my eyes and picture me beautiful... and I can't.