Why do I always look so sad?

Anyone ever feel so sad that it’s impossible for them to cry anymore? What about breathe? Sometimes just laying on my back and staring at the ceiling feeling sorry for myself helps, but I feel like I’m sinking into a abyss into a dark hole and I can see the tiny pin prick in the sky that looks like a star and then I’m falling farther and farther until I can’t see that light anymore. Every morning I wake up to a nightmare, I can’t even get away from everything when I do fall asleep. I wake up, nightmare, I go to sleep, worse nightmare, and sometimes I wonder where all my good dreams have gone? What ever happened to riding in a motorcycle behind Robert Pattinson? Or dancing in the arms of the sexiest man on earth Matthew Gray Gubler? Where have they gone and will they be gone forever? I will never blame anyone for why I feel this way, though there are people who helped me get where I am today and I can’t blame them because I let them. I let them get to me, and now I’m hopeless that I can’t even think like I used to anymore. There is no beauty in my eyes everywhere I look everything reminds me of those people, though I try to get away, I still yearn for friends. Now I have no one… at all…. No one to make me laugh, no one to sing for… I feel lost. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with myself? I can’t keep feeling this way and nothing I’m doing is working right just feel like I’m falling into that deep hole forever, and ever and ever and ever and I ain’t gonna see the sun again. I see my friends and they ask me, “Why do you look so sad?” Sometimes I say, “because I am sad” but do they ever listen? No. Of course not, I’ve sat for 7 years, giving them adivce, telling them it’s going to be okay, I love you, You’re my bestfriend and I will help you, and I have always been there for them, but now, what has all my love ever done? I have friends who don’t message me, they don’t talk to me, people I was BEST friends will don’t call even though I sit at the telephone and stare at it sometimes. How is it fair that I’ve ALWAYS been there for them, but when I get sick and I have to stay home, they really could care less. They go out and have fun taking millions of pictures with their smiling faces and I sit at home and watch those pictures upload and deep down I know they aren’t missing me… how could they? Their having the time of their lives and I know that a few have messaged me, but only to say hi… and then never messaged me back after I send, Oh I miss you guys so much! How are you? What’s going on? What’s the gossip going around school? Oh I forgot to mention the gossip… Apparently I am pregnant and that’s why I’m not in school, I left school to take care of my baby…. it’s sooooo stupid, if anyone knows me they wouldn’t believe it… but then I see them a few of my friends actually spreading the rumors and I can’t help but wonder are they really my friends? I put my heart and soul in to them I love them, and I will always love them because I am that type of person. I’ve always been the shoulder you could cry on, the person you could go to and tell their deepest darkest secrets and I wouldn’t tell ANYONE. I know things about people in my school that if they got out, it would kill them… so why is it that when rumors about me are flying around, why do they spread them? I have stood up for almost every person in that school and I have always denied a claim even if I knew it was true because I know how bad they are hurting. My mom says that the good people on this earth suffer the most… does this mean that I’m going to suffer because I’m not an ass? Why does that seem unfair? Why is it some people in my school get everything their little hearts desire and treat people like shit but they get the popularity, the good looks, the skinny bodies, the teacher’s favorite and of course the one desire to almost every fucking teenage girl in the world a boy or guy to just love them. How is it the good people are pushed into the closet and coats and junk piled on top of them. Soon all that’s going to add up and they’re never going to be able to get up again. Thoughts are always racing in my mind…. why would she do this? When am I finally going to get a break? Why am I sick? Why do people hate me? How can they let people treat other people this way? How could anyone ever get up from a fall like this? Why is it that I have to go to the hospital all the time and have needles shoved in my arm and medication pumped through my veins. I know people are going through worse and I don’t know how they do it because I can barely handle just this. I’m at home all alone, I don’t know how I don’t cry 24/7 and you would think when I’m at home all alone I would find something to make me happy but I’ve tried… I’ve tried everything and I can’t find something to do to keep my mind off those racing thoughts because they never go away. I can’t even sleep because I’m haunted by everything that has happened. I’m in the car, laughing with music, my friend in the passenger seat and she was smiling that huge smile that she had, and then I hear it….. I can hear the tires…. Squealing leaving the rubber residue on the road, and then I could feel it… everything was slow… the car moving, glass shattering and I felt cold….. I could feel rain falling on my skin only to open my eyes and see that it’s glass. I could hear shrill screams, and they haven’t stopped since I seen the truck’s headlights and then I relaize that I’m screaming…. I heard the medal crunching… the air hung in the air like a sticky muggy summer day and I could hear the whimper… the smallest little noise in the whole thing, and then I hear silence…. Nothing moved…… Not even me, I open my eyes and I realize I had been holding my breath. I don’t look and slam my eyes shut again. My head is throbbing, my throat sore and dry and I take a deep breath, my chest hurting from the seatbelt…. I look over… and see her…. Her eyes weren’t close…. their beautiful blue color staring at me… a tear leaks from the bottom lid and trails down her face blending with the red…. all the red… everywhere…. I just scream for help, until my mom wraps her arms around me and squeezes me tight, and my head still hurts, my blankets and pillows on the floor and I can’t breathe.. I can’t breathe…..  So when asked, “Why do you always look so sad?”  This whole thing…. all of it…. that is why I always look so sad.